“I think this birthday was really different for me because of all the work I've been doing - the internal, spiritual and mental work I've been trying to focus on.”
By the time this birthday rolled around, I was just so full of gratitude for my community, how I've been handling situations and for taking my power back (that I've given so much of to the men in my family or past relationships). So this birth year was really humbling because I was with a lot of my community and I really saw how much I do for them. They were celebrating me not just for my birthday but also reminding me that I'm a great person and how much I've gotten through this past year.
It was a lot of love and acknowledgment and honor for that growth and those transitions.And I really felt it. I was incredibly happy.
For a moment, I was feeling a bit guilty because my week was going so perfectly.
It was just very smooth and seamless and full of joy.
The only thing that I really had planned for was a trip with my two best friends to Pacifica, a little beach town just past San Francisco.We had reserved the room for three guests and had already received the confirmation for it.
The host was living in the upstairs unit and we were downstairs. The walls were really thin so we could hear her children upstairs and her dog walking. We could hear people walking outside of our door.
Which made us feel like we had to keep our conversations quiet.
The host came knocking on our door and said that she saw on video that we have three guests but the room only allows for two. We told her we had booked it for three and were confirmed. We showed her the profile, but she's the host so she should have already seen it. She kept saying she was concerned about her insurance while being condescending and patronizing. She said, "Well you guys are really nice, you're not loud, you're quiet. You're not mean, you seem very friendly. So I'll let you stay." She kept repeating these things that I know hint at stereotypes of black women. She said that she was just concerned about her insurance so if we wanted extra sheets or something, there would be a fee. My friend said okay, what's the fee? And she said that it's not about the money and just told us to be careful and not do anything.
I just couldn't help but feel like this was racist.
I tend to speak before I think so I was really processing everything in my head. ecause I have been doing this work - how I speak to other people and watching for my tendencies to project my own issues onto others - my friend was handling everything and talking to the woman.
So I saw what was happening and I thought to myself, all right, you see what's going on, how do you want to handle this? I was just in my head the whole time. I was very upset. The woman left and we all went back to the couch. We just didn't want to move. They had a fire pit at the back of the house that we would've liked to go to and lay back and look at the stars but we didn't want to get up and move from our spot.
We were starting to second guess ourselves.
My friend thought maybe she didn't book for three but we checked again and assured ourselves we did everything right.
Normally with my two friends, it's a very safe space where we can be vulnerable, let our guards down and just catch up and see how everyone's feeling. That's how our time usually goes. At that moment, we just felt very disrupted. I had a lot of anger at the pit of my stomach from the whole thing but I was trying to let it go.
My friends and I were having a somber conversation. I was expressing everything that was going on within my family and that I feel an incredible amount of anger coming from my brothers. I was saying that I still pray for my brothers and hope that all of that anger will disappear.
Because I feel like the negative energy is trying to consume me.
But I picture a glass wall.
And all of that negative energy is at the wall trying to come through.
Maybe because of all the work I've been doing, my community and the world that I've built for myself, it's blocked. There's a guard up that's not allowing all of that to get to me. But I can see it and I can feel it.
. . .So I was talking to my friends about that.
There's these surahs in the Quran that we recite when we pray five times a day. A lot of them help with anxiety and nerves and depression. And my friends were telling me that sometimes, you don't need to be praying for people. Maybe you need to pour all of that into yourself. They reminded me that I've been praying for them for so long and I'm still feeling the heaviness and I need to focus on protecting my peace now. So they told me to recite these three other surahs before I go to bed since I had been having some very stressful dreams. Every time I dream, I'm yelling at my brothers or dad trying to get them to see how things are, and they're not seeing it. They're just attacking me or my sisters.
The conversation shifted and suddenly my friends laughed.
And I thought to myself, okay, if she comes down here because she heard them laugh, it's going to be a problem. Like I was ready for it. And then I heard a door open. And I knew I was going to handle it this time.
We got the second knock and I told my friends I got it. Don't move.
They both stayed on the couch, I got my mask and I went over and opened the door. I asked her, “What's going on? What is the issue here?”
She said that she talked to airbnb and that they don't see three people, they only see one guest. And I said that that seems like a lie because it’s 10:30 at night. It's late and it just feels like you're policing us. That's how we feel. You're telling us that we're really nice, we're not too loud, and my friends laugh and now you're back here. It seems like you were just waiting for an excuse to come down here and express your hesitancy about us being in your space.
She said the same things over and over again about the insurance. And she said now we're being loud. I look over to my friends on the couch and they're talking to each other and I could just tell that we were on the same page about what was going on. We were already uncomfortable and now it's an issue of feeling safe here. I look back at the woman and ask, “Okay so what would you like us to do? What's the solution here?”
She told us she'll fully reimburse us if we leave right now.
And I looked at my friends and they were like, let's go. I said okay and it was so quick, we were out of there in like 3 minutes. She tried to stand there and watch us pack our things. I told her we'll be out of her hair soon and I closed the door. We got our things and I opened the door and she's just standing on the stairs staring at our door. Just waiting and listening the whole time.
On our way out, I told her that the whole situation feels incredibly racist. You're kicking three women out at 11pm and we have nowhere to go. The outside lights were on when we arrived and this entire time but as we left, she cut off the lights so we couldn't see where we were going. So we finally get to our car and she walks through her house and comes out of another exit and comes out saying to us,
“Girls! Girls, I'm a lawyer. I'm defending your rights!” I guess she was referring to the insurance thing again.
We stayed calm but we just wanted to get out of there. We got in the car and were just in shock. Like did this really just happen? Where are we and what are we doing?
We thought it was because we were three African American women. Maybe that was threatening to her. But the next morning, my friend ended up finding her twitter. And we saw this tweet that she had reposted from a NYT article saying that Islam was to blame for a shooting that had happened in Paris.
So it seems the problem was that we’re Muslim.
And that was really heavy. We've never really experienced anything like it before.
It was an experience bombarded with negativity, discrimination, embarrassment and all of that. But we got through it. I feel like we handled it gracefully which is probably why we were able to process the whole thing more easily. It probably could've become a big thing but we just knew we needed to get out of there and protect our peace.
I think that the situation at the airbnb and the feeling on my birthday that I described earlier
. . . of questioning my own joy, go hand in hand.
Because throughout history, black people have not really been able to bask in joy. So I felt a sense of guilt thinking to myself - Am I too happy? Am I getting spoiled too much? Am I being celebrated too much? As if I wasn't deserving of it.
I really saw and got to feel what it's like to have respect for myself, to protect myself and my peace and honor those things.
And really celebrate those things in the midst of all the heaviness of that night. I felt really confident and comfortable within myself. It was proof of why I felt this year was different because I was seeing the work I've done manifest and project onto others and the world. It's surreal.
So I'm continuing that with more gratitude, new perspectives and new relationships and experiences. Just really trying to keep this perpetual state of gratitude, of newness, of interest and growth.
If I were to tell my younger self that she can choose her happiness, I would start with:
Accountability has to be on the table.
Take ownership over past decisions and behaviors and actions. Be open to seeing the connections of why I'm struggling with certain things. Or why I feel so dependent still on certain relationships, people and parts of myself that keep me in a victimized state.
I really don't think I would be at this point if I weren't taking accountability for certain things. Saying okay - I see now that this is affecting my community and the people closest to me because I'm not willing to face things or deal with things myself.
I feel like a few years ago I really wasn't able to look at myself in the mirror. Because I would see so much that I needed to work through and get through. And I wasn't in an emotional state to do that. I wasn't strong enough to do that.
So I would say start with accountability, acknowledgment and self awareness. And see where that takes you. Things will begin to make more sense.
You don't want to hear these things.
But when you have people in your corner who are there for you unconditionally, who want you to see your potential, and tap into that, it's huge. And I don't think I would've been able to get there if it wasn't for certain people in my life. People that have been doing the work themselves which allowed me to really see these things. And allow me to get to where I'm at now. So now that I've had those certain conversations and experiences, I understand why I was feeling so low and heavy. I felt bad for feeling so heavy and I felt bad that I made others feel heavy as well (because of my own projections and struggle to get through those moments and phases). Now that I'm surrendering to that, and wanting to take ownership, I can also see why there's division in my family. Because people aren't willing to take accountability. And I understand, although I don't agree with certain behaviors and actions, I understand why they're there. And I can see why it would be hard for people to get out of that because I wasn't raised with that mindset. I had to learn these things.
Now that I'm here, I can see when people are stuck in their darkness and traumas. They don't know how to navigate through that. You need people in your life, or at least experiences, that you can acknowledge have helped you get to know yourself more intimately and gracefully.
I used to only know conditional love thinking that that was what unconditional love was. Until I realized that wasn't the case at all.
As of now, I feel a sense of contentment but I also feel that there is a lot more work to be done. I just want to remain open to that. Every feeling and emotion that comes across me, I feel like I'm still learning how to process. But I am able to talk about it with certain people. Rather than just carry it around. And I'm grateful and hoping that I'm ready for whatever comes next.
I realize I've lived a life so fearful of what could happen, who I could lose, what could go wrong.
And in ways, I think I still am.
Maybe that's just being human - being fearful of those losses.
I want to just feel grounded and centered with each step and be intentional with every move, regardless of what's thrown at me.
I want to remain aware.
Sumi Ali is a florist and photographer
interview by Lauren Pierce-bautista
2021. Oakland, CA.