MALY MANN
“I was really comfortable and I was really focused on becoming a certain person to live a happy lifestyle. But I didn’t feel like myself. Like I was living a life for someone else.”
I love taking care of people, my friends and everyone around me.
But I became so domesticated. I was at home all the time. I wanted to make sure I was home to make dinner and take care of everything. And he’s amazing. He’s an amazing person. No one pushed it on me. I felt like he took care of me in ways so I wanted to give back.
It was me. I let myself go.
We were so young and we just kind of became each other’s crutch. It just got to the point where I was like, I don’t even know who I am right now. It’s a weird thing where I felt like I was floating outside my body looking down on myself like, that’s not you.
I was just so insecure and afraid.
And it was because I wasn’t completely in love with who I was.I needed somebody else’s love to reassure me I was good.
I was on and off relationships ever since high school. It was nonstop.
So I think I was always getting validated from someone else whether it was my family, then when I moved out it was boyfriend.. boyfriend.. living together.. living together.. validation… taking care of each other...
So now that I’m able to live by myself, even though I have a roommate, I’m still on my own.
It made me realize
I need to be
in the present moment
and
take care of myself.
And not really mess around and not focus on anything else but me. So it’s really nice and it’s so important and I think everybody needs to go through this at least once. I mean, you don’t need to not be in a relationship. But at least be able to grow with someone and take care of each other but also let each other be who you are.
You have to really love who you are and what you’re doing. Even if what you’re doing isn’t what you want to do, you find love in it. And in who you are.
Then you’re solid.
There’s still a lot of things that make me feel insecure. And there’s so many things that make my friends insecure and it crushes me because I know that there’s no need for it.
There’s nobody else putting it on you.
No matter what anyone else says about how you look or what your work is, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to change. Just keep moving forward and doing what you want.
Moving to LA and seeing how everyone is so immersed in becoming something or seeming like something, it makes it hard to swallow the truth. It’s definitely a long process.
But the way I feel like I can do it is by just being communicative with everyone. And not being apologetic for how I feel or how I look or how I talk.
I’ve realized that
Self-Respect
is not needing
to validate anything
about yourself.
ALSO TAKING A DEEP BREATH
AND REMINDING YOURSELF
TO BE IN THE PRESENT
BECAUSE IT’S SO
IMPORTANT.
BUT AS OF LATE, starting from high school, I realized it was so important because my health started to deplete and I was going through a lot physically and emotionally at the time.
Because I felt like I HAD to look a certain way and feel a certain way to be a good person or to seem like a good person that people wanted to be around.
NOW IT FEELS LIKE I’m falling into who I am. It’s nice.
Many Mann is a model and photographer
interview, photos and direction by Lauren Pierce-bautista
2018. Los Angeles, CA.