pua johnson

“I shouldn’t feel guilty when I stand up for myself.”

That’s been a regular theme throughout my life - him reminding me how much he’s done for me and holding that over me.

So I decided to stay home even though the idea of it did sound fun and I hadn’t spent time with my dad, my sister and those friends in awhile. I told him I wasn’t going because I couldn’t afford it and he insisted on paying for the trip. He kept assuring me that he wanted me to come so that he could spend time with me.I spoke to my friends about it and they reminded me that I’ve never asked him to do those things.

So I went on the trip. And it was all right - I paid for some things here and there like meals and stuff.But towards the end of the trip, my dad had gotten into an argument with my friend’s dad. And from the outside, I could see it coming from a mile away - old patterns of him having to control every situation. And belittling people when they don’t agree with what he says. That’s a thing he does.

It’s crazy because as a kid, I’ve always idolized my dad. Surfing was everything to me and he is an amazing surfer.

I love my dad. I admire him in many ways,

but in many ways, I don’t.

So in that moment during his argument with his friend, he was going off at me because my sister and I didn’t agree with what he was saying. And we weren’t disrespectful about it, we just didn’t agree. We saw it as just his opinion. Kai (my sister) and I are complete opposites but we’ve grown up realizing that we have to deal with each other and other people in our lives by respecting their opinions while not hating them for it.

But my dad needed so badly for us to say that he was right.

He was demanding it from us. Screaming at us. Even begging us. Bringing up how much he’s given us and claiming that we don’t respect him.I told him we respect him and he can go along with his decisions but we do feel differently than him and we’re allowed to feel that way. And he got super aggressive with me.

It was so different from how I have in the past. Before, I would’ve been equally as loud screaming back at him and stating my point of view.

But instead, I was keeping calm.

And a big part of that was having my sister right there with me. I wasn’t alone in the situation as I’d been so many times in the past where he would single me out and scream at me in my room or take me aside and scream at me. Sometimes he’d embarrass me in front of other people and I didn’t stand up for myself because I was afraid of what other people would think.

He was about to throw my sister’s journal at my head. But my sister stood up for me and told him to leave. She’s never really had experiences like that with him because she doesn’t stand up to him. And that’s affected her outwardly in so many different ways like social anxiety, for example.

So that was a huge moment for her.

She came to me afterwards and said, “I’m afraid dad only loves me because I agree with him.”

When I came home, I felt like I had won a battle in terms of not allowing myself to get out of control.

But at the same time, I realized how much I still craved the approval from my dad. And I wanted to be close with him and have the types of amazing conversations we have. But he handled that argument by telling me “I’m disowning you”, “you’re a terrible daughter” and a lot of other hurtful things.

My sister and I talked and what we were most concerned about was - seeing the child in my dad that had never received the emotional acceptance from his parents. He had a difficult past and was missing a father figure. I still don’t know and I don’t think anyone knows the full extent of what my dad has gone through.

But I know that his past isn’t my responsibility.

So that argument was a breaking point for us because we refused to give him what he was craving so bad from us - our approval. We were just over the same patterns repeating again.

My dad never respected my mom at all and always thought that she was less than him. In a way, it made me resent my mom a little bit. He would pit us against my mom all the time.

Like taking us out to dinner when they were fighting and telling us all the things wrong with our mom. I was like 12 years old and I didn’t understand the complexities of what was going on and it would only be from his perspective. I look back now and I just would never want to bring those types of issues into my relationships.

I have more respect for her now because I understand the decisions she made so much more. I thought they were decisions I wouldn’t have made. But now I see she was really strong in her way as well. I can’t blame her. Because who knows what I would’ve done in that position?

My dad has a lot of “enemies”. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to be someone with enemies. 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve seen my dad as just a normal human being rather than being above others. Of course he’s made mistakes. I think because I had such a strong father figure, I wanted to be responsible and take care of others. Especially for my mom and my sister because they would be the ones crying and I felt like I had to be strong in front of other people.

I’m realizing I’m just like anyone else and that’s okay.

When it comes to opening up to new people, that’s an area I feel like I have to work on. I’m always guarded. My outward appearance, to people I’m just meeting, is so different from who I really am.

Pua Johnson is a surfer and model

interview, photos and direction by Lauren Pierce-bautista

2021. Bali, Indonesia